VULNERABILITY, PRIDE &
ADMITTING YOU NEED SOMEONE

Kade,

I couldn’t finish saying what I was trying to say before, because I was in a hurry to leave the house, so I want to finish it now...

I want to be very, very, very honest with you. I was afraid to be before, because I thought I would scare you away… but now I have nothing left to lose. I do not want to wake up from this nightmare, wishing that I had said what I really feel inside, wondering if it would have made a difference. So… I am going to open up, and let you into the very deepest part of me. I’m going to tell you what it really is that I’ve always wanted, and have always feared I would never find. I’ve buried it so deep inside, hidden it so well, that I have even fooled myself at times, into believing that I didn’t want it... or need it. But, the truth will set me free… so here it is.

I don’t want to be like a man, in a man’s world, which is what I have been pretending to be. All my life, I’ve been witness to a system, and programmed to believe in it. I was taught by example, that I should not depend on anyone else, and that a woman should go out and be a success… that she was worthless if she couldn’t hold her ground and compete with a man. My stepfather pushed my mother as hard as he could, to try and make her materially successful of her own accord, and the only reason she worked so hard was to please him. She always felt that she had to succeed, and prove to him that she could stand her ground in the business world. He also expected her to be the little woman, cooking and cleaning and doing everything else. This never left her any time for me or my sister. He also expected her to be flawlessly beautiful, and was always telling her what she could do to improve herself. She even had breast implants to please him, which ultimately lead to her cancer, I believe. I have always wanted to live up to his expectations, like my mother, so that he would love me. He has always compared me to her. I was taught, from an early age, that I must go out and prove that I am as smart as… as successful as… and as capable as the best. So, my self worth has been based on my mental aptitude, material success, and my looks. And even though I’ve learned now, that this is not right, and that I am worthy regardless, it still plays a big part into the person I allow others to see. I never want to be a burden to anyone, so I always pretend that I can take care of myself… and that I don’t need anyone else... and that I never really will. And... I always try to hide my pain as well, because I want everyone to think I’m okay. I have been afraid that if someone thought I needed him, that it would make him feel burdened by me, and that he wouldn’t want me.

I have gone out into the world, and competed in it, and have proven to myself, and others, that I can do it… but I don’t want to do it anymore… it does not make me happy. I have always thought that if I could prove to a man that I could be successful, that it would make me worthy of his love… that he would love me for what I could accomplish. That is even why I bought that BMW, to show men that I was successful… and special, and therefore worthy of being loved by them. It was like saying “here I am, don’t you want me”… “I can make money”… “I’m as smart as you are”… “I can be your equal partner”. But now, I know that was all a front. I was just being someone else… the person I thought someone else would want. I thought I could find love that way.

I don’t really even want to take this job as a sales manager, but I have no choice. There is no one else to take care of me, and I have to do it all by myself. It’s like I am being forced by society, to be what I do not want to be… a man... and this in turn, has made me appear very intimidating to men.

I believe that God intended for the man to be the provider, and for the woman to be the helpmate. I think that it will always work best that way. I believe that the breakdown in our society has come from the breakdown in the family… no sincerity, easy way outs, no real foundation… and I am one such victim, as is my daughter. But who else believes this, or understands it, or has enough integrity to honor it. I don’t think that there are many… unless they were lucky enough to be raised that way… or they have had the courage to find it out for themselves, the hardest way… by experiencing so much pain, that they have no other choice, but to go inside there own self, to search for the truth.

This is my ideal… my dream:

All I really want to do is be a soft, vulnerable woman. I do not want to compete with a man, or feel like I have to be his equal. I just want to submit, and be, what he needs, and help him make his dreams come true. I want to support him, and be the one he does it all for… to take care of all his little needs, and inspire him to do what it is that he wants to do. I want that special love… the old fashioned kind that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. I want a man to look at me, and see his unborn children in my eyes, if children are what he wants. If he doesn’t want them, then that’s ok too, because I have one I love with all my heart. I want to be a lover, wife and mother… to me that is the most valuable thing I could be… it is what I was truly meant to be. I want to be able to release this tough façade, and stop pretending that I am the invincible woman.

I don’t care about material possessions. I would gladly give up everything I have, just to eventually be able to stay at home and take care of the man I love, and our family. That to me, would be the most important thing I could do with my life. I wouldn’t care what kind of car I drove, or house I lived in or anything else. I could be completely satisfied, just caring for the man I love… and being what he needs. I would not wonder anymore, what the world might be holding out there for me. I’ve already found myself, and know what I want out of life. It just has sounded like it would be a stupid, unworthy goal, to someone else… even a frightening one, to someone who was trying to achieve their own goals, like all I would do is interfere with their achievement of them, like a dead weight, who had no real ambition. But to me, the highest goal is LOVE. So I have not been completely honest with you in that regard. I have made you think that I would never need you to make me happy… that I would always be independent and self sufficient… but it’s not really what I want to be. I want to be needed, and I want to be able to let someone know that I need him.

I have also not been honest with you, about something else… I am in love with you, and I think you know this is true. I loved you before I even met you, and I fall even more in love with you, every time I see you, or speak to you. I just said I wasn’t yet, to try and protect you, and keep you from feeling any responsibility for me. But I know that is not right either. You are right in what you are doing, because I would not want to keep sharing myself with you physically, if you will never love me back... or if my ideals are not what you want for your own life. Sex to me, is a spiritual thing, and I have been giving myself to you, heart and soul, when we make love. And you are right… I would want my daughter to know that she was worth more, and that she shouldn’t settle for giving herself to a man who can’t love her back. You are absolutely right!

I wanted so badly to drop to my knees, at your feet yesterday, and wrap my arms around your legs, and cry… pleading with you not to leave me. That is the truth. I do need you.

I am being as honest as I can be with you. And still, no matter what… I WANT US TO BE LIFE LONG FRIENDS. I know you need time to think, and I just wanted you to know the truth… while you are thinking about it.

“I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road.

We meet at the lights
I stare for a while,
The world around us disappears.

It’s just you and me
On my island of hope.
A breath between us could be miles.

Let me surround you,
My sea to your shore,
Let me be the calm you seek.

And every time I'm close to you
There’s to much I can’t say
And you just walk away.

And I forgot
To tell you I love you,
And that the night’s to long
And cold here without you.

So I grieve in my condition,
For I cannot find the words to say
I need you so.” – Sarah McLachlan

Love,

Shelley


Re: PRIDE
E-mail Dated: Sat, 09 Oct 1999
Subject: More Truth!

Kade,

It's 2:00 a.m., and I am up drinking coffee, trying to figure out how to express to you, what I so much want to say. I think that it is important for me to say these things to you, not for you, but for myself… I am being pushed and prodded by that inner voice (the voice of my soul) to tell you these things, as odd as that may sound. I have times like this, when I have conversations taking place in my mind… the information just flows through me, and I know that is when I am supposed to write it down.

I have so much more to say to you, about what I wrote in my last e-mail. It is just so hard for me to bring it out enough, so that I can actually express it. You are actually teaching me a very valuable lesson, whether you know it or not. If this had not happened between us, I would not have been able to finally face and reconcile this turmoil that still remained buried inside me… and admit to someone what I really want.

As much as I thought that I was being honest with myself, and with you… I realize that I was not. I was still pretending, to a certain degree, to be someone else. I was still covering up, and protecting my secret wish… afraid that if I really said it out loud, that it would make me seem undesirable to you. I have such a hard time with my ego, in this regard. I want so much to appear self-sufficient, and self-contained, and non-needy… because I have been taught that I must be independent… like I have already explained in my last letter. I don't know why it is so hard for me to let down my guard and be vulnerable in this regard. I can let it down in every other way. But… the walls seem to stay up, when it comes to truly letting someone else in to the point that I can admit that I need them… only because I have thought that my ability to be independent, would make me valuable and worthy of being loved by someone else. I never want to be a weight on someone else's shoulders… and also, if I truly admitted that I needed someone, I would be giving him power over me by letting him know that he could hurt me. I have had SO MUCH PRIDE in the past, and I am so thankful that I am breaking through it now, and am able to see the light… and am thankful to you, for your honesty has helped me to do so. It is my pride, that keeps me from having the very thing that I really want, because I have had to much pride to admit it… being afraid that it will be torn apart by someone else, or considered not acceptable, or a worthy enough goal. (This is what my mother, and especially my stepfather, have done to me, unknowingly, by passing judgment on my every decision, telling me why it wasn't good enough… and that I should aim higher or do better… nothing was, or still is, ever good enough to please him. He has always said, "Shelley, you are so smart, when are you going to start living up to your potential." Do you know what pressure that is… especially for a woman, who just wants to be what God meant for her to be? I see this all so clearly now, and understand how it has affected my self esteem, and why it has made me keep what it is that I truly want to myself… hoping in silence that it would magically appear on its own one day.

I want to go back to what I said in my last e-mail, about the breakdown in society, having to do with the breakdown in the family. I am so convinced of this fact... and no one should understand it better than I, having experienced first hand, all of the repercussions of divorce… and or having parents that don't really love each other. It taught me so many wrong things, growing up. I must admit to you, that when Kevin asked me to marry him, I knew I didn't love him the way I should, but I couldn't say no, because I didn't want to hurt him. I thought in the back of my mind, that he was such a wonderful person, and would be such a wonderful father, and that he loved me. So… based on that, I decided I should go through with it, and that I would grow to love him… and thought if I didn't grow to love him, that I could just divorce him. This is horrifying to admit, but true. That is what having divorced parents will do to your thinking. It makes you think it is acceptable, and justifiable...also, it ruins your self-esteem. When my Mom got sick, that pushed me over the edge, as far as unhappiness was concerned, and I had to figure out who I really was, and how I was going to get happy. It has been a long road, but I have forgiven myself, and I know that God has forgiven me… and it is the best thing that could have happened to me. I can't go back though… All I can do now, is try and be the best mother I can be to Lindsay… by teaching her what I have learned on the path to finding God's love inside of me… and by trying to let her know how valuable and worthy she is, without condition. I am saving all the letters and things I have written, on disk, to compile into a journal someday… for Lindsay to read when she is old enough. I want her to understand what I have been through, so that she will hopefully not make the same mistakes. I would love to make it into a book someday, so that other people could also benefit.

I told you about me visiting that woman who read my aura, a couple of years ago, who told me about things in my past that she never could have known… as well as things about my future, and what I really wanted in my life. She told me that I spent my time "looking in other peoples windows," so to speak… that I wanted desperately to have a family of my own, one like I never had growing up… but that I didn't think that it could come true for me. She told me that it would happen for me, but not until I reconciled my issues of self worth, and realized that I deserved to have it. She said that once I did, I would draw my soul-mate into my life, but that he wasn't aloud to come until I was ready for him.

I feel so alone, thinking and believing the way I do… but never really finding anyone else that understands me… or that I feel I can share myself with. Most people, (who am I kidding), all the people (meaning men), that I have met, (except you), have been to messed up from the same things I was as a child. They have not found themselves yet… or are to hung-up on their own pride and egos to be able to really understand me. I want more than anything to have a family around me like the one you had growing up. You are so lucky. I think that I may know even better than you, how lucky you are… because of how hard it was to fight and claw my way to this place that I am at now. It is so hard to overcome the damage done to you as a child when you have parents that don't "get it." I truly do believe that the most valuable thing someone can do is raise a child up in the right way… and show them by example… like your parents seem to have done. I want that more than anything in the whole world Kade, to have that kind of relationship. Do you think it still exists?

If that were what someone had to offer me, it would be my dream come true! It is all I really want out of life! I don't think that it should be too much to ask for! You have not told me what you want out of life… or what your ideal is. I only know that you have an ideal… and your ideal could be way off from mine. I just really want you to understand what mine is.

So… when you talk about what it is that I deserve… what it is that you could never give me… and about your dream that my soul requires more than you could give… I thought you should know what it is that my soul truly does desire!

I still do want you to know that I place no expectations on you… that I accept your decisions, whatever they may be… and that I never want to lose your friendship… EVER… so please don't take it away from me. I value it more than you will ever know. My heart hurts so badly right now, knowing that you can't love me the way you want to love someone… and I just can't pretend that it doesn't… but please don't allow that to alienate you from me!

This is not meant to pressure you or to take away from the time you wanted away from me. It is only being sent to you, to explain who I really am… that deep well I was talking about!  Thank you for making me feel comfortable enough to let you inside! It's 5:00 a.m. now, I guess I better try to go to sleep!

Shelley

P.S. It is also so hard for me to write you, without telling you how much I ache to have you touch me. I feel I can never get close enough to you... and I will never be able to be around you, without wanting you to be inside of me!