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E-mail Dated: Aug 29, 1999

Subject: Honesty!

Kade,

A wise person once told me, that “the TRUTH is more important than ANYTHING, even love.” I’ve since then learned that love can not truly exist outside of the TRUTH, and that nothing real or good can be founded on a fallacy.

I have not stopped thinking about what you said to me on Friday night, concerning our relationship, and that you were seeing other women. I believe you, when you say that you enjoy what we have (so do I), very much, and that you don’t want to see it change (and neither do I). I want you to know that I am growing to respect you more and more, as I get to know you. You chose to do the right thing by putting the truth first, above your desire to ravage my body that night (smile), knowing that telling me could have possibly upset me and changed the course of the evening we had planned. I don’t know very many men, if any, that would have risked losing out on “getting some,” by being honest at that moment (in the heat of such anticipation). And, in reality, if I were a normal female, it probably would have deeply affected my attitude and stopped me dead in my tracks.

At the very thought of competition, the person I used to be would have become like a fierce huntress, protective of her territory. At one time, I could have turned you into a prize trophy, an object of desire, and set my sites to win you at all costs. My every word and action could have been a premeditated attempt to control your feelings for me… and everything that’s real or that mattered, would have been lost in the battle, and I would have been left with an empty victory.

I know now that true victory comes from the submission to truth at all costs (it outweighs hopes and expectations). We never truly lose anything that matters, and there is no reason to fear about the future. The person I am now, has learned that we can never truly possess someone else. Although I must admit, that my ego still tries to interfere with my thinking… It’s like having an angel and a devil, one sitting on each shoulder (smile). I’m just so glad that the angel is stronger now, and that I have learned how to listen to Spirit (the part of God/Love that lives inside me). I have gained the power (which I know is not my own, but comes from Love), to overcome my ego (devil), and to fight the moods that at onetime clouded my understanding and my judgment.

I refuse to allow my ego to put me into a defensive game playing mode, where I feel like I need to start protecting my heart from you, because there may be a chance that it might get broken. I don’t want to protect myself from you; I want you to know all the love that my heart has to give… freely… without conditions.

I know that I am a beautiful person… and I don’t mean it in a conceited way, like outer looks, but mean that I know that I am truly beautiful on the inside, where it really matters. I am pure gold, with an unselfish heart, that beats true. An angel has no need of armor, and that’s what I always want to be in your eyes… an angel. When you think of me, I only want sweet things to come to mind… and wild passionate things too, of course (smile). I can only promise you this: that I will never use ugly manipulative words, in an attempt to control your feelings for me. I will always put your needs ahead of my own, for by doing so my needs will also be fulfilled. I promise not to allow any ugliness to enter into our relationship on my part. I just want you to know who I am, inside, and what I'm thinking. I truly want to communicate to you what is in my mind and heart, so that you don’t have to wonder or guess about where you stand with me.

I know that what is meant to be between us will be, and that I can not control the future… nor do I want to… because what is best for me may be hidden from my view at this time. I know that this situation is a test for me to prove to myself that I have overcome my pride (ego). My only rule in life is this: I WILL NOT BETRAY MY HEART… I allow right action to flow through me, by making love my only motivation. Anytime I start to revert to my old ways, I stop and question my motivation… is it my pride (ego) that wants this, or is this truly an unselfish desire? By doing this, I can’t lose… no matter what happens with us in the future… I can only win from knowing you, and sharing myself with you!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to share what I have found within, (who I am), with someone who feels worthy of accepting it… with someone who knows that they do not have to do anything to deserve it… and that will just gladly receive it.

"…And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now…

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
Well everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am..." - Goo Goo Dolls

Shelley